I am.....

"God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: ‘I AM has sent me to you.’”" Exodus 3:14

"Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. ⁷ If you really know me, you will know^[b] my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.”" John 14:6

An interesting thought to ponder.  "I am who I am."  When I invision God, knowing him as him, is a powerful thought.  Because he is everything.  And we know that Jesus is the way to God.  However, what strikes me about these two passages is that Jesus and God know exactly who they are and what it means.  It's a strong statement, "I am."

How often do we forget who we are? Do we even know who we are? It's a question I have pondered quite a bit latey.  You could say I'm having an identity crisis.  I'm well aware that I'm a daughter, granddaughter, sister, wife, friend, etc.  But now I'm wondering who I really am.  See, I had just become comfortable with the idea that I am a mother.  And now, I'm not.  But at the same time, I am.  Because I will always be a mother.  I am a mom without being a mom.  It's a weird feeling.  I knew who I was and who I was becoming and a general direction my life was taking.  And now my world is turned around.

It's kind of this pondering of who I am that has kept me from blogging and journaling.  You see, I'm searching.  I'm searching for what I'm supposed to do now.  I'm searching for who I am to become.  I'm searching for how I am a mother without being a mother.  I am lost.  Not lost from Christ.  I've lost myself.  In loosing my daughter, I've lost me.

When she was born they put on a hospital bracelet that said "Community Hospital" and "Mother".  This bracelet was one of the best things they could have given me to take home.  When we didn't have her in the room with us I would play with and read this bracelet.  It was a reminder of who I am.  When I got home from the hospital I asked my husband to cut the other hospital band off my other wrist.  He offered to cut my 'mother' bracelet off too.  I about flipped out.  I told him that that bracelet wouldn't come off until I was ready.  I needed the reminder of who I am.

This bracelet is the only thing I had that called me a mother.  This cheap, plastic hospital band identified me.  So I kept it on.  Until this past Wednesday, August 10.  I realized I had been looking at it less and less.  It was just there.  It just was.  It is.  Just like I am here.  Also this bracelet was beginning the process of degrading and becoming hard because I had exposed it to so many elements.  I want to keep this bracelet and scrapbook it with the rest of Ashley's stuff.

But let's go back to the bracelet just being there.  While I mostly cut this bracelet off to preserve it, I also cut it off because I realized this bracelet had become a part of me.  Well, maybe not the bracelet, but it's meaning.  I realized that while I don't necessarily feel like a mother all the time and while I feel like part of my life hasn't happened, that I began to accept that I am a mom and didn't need the constant reminder.

I am a mom but I didn't need the constant reminder of a hospital bracelet to tell me that.  At first I did.  Like getting her death certificate told me the state recognized her as a baby, the hospital bracelet told me they recognized me as a mother.

Not knowing who you are can be just as powerful as knowing exactly who you are.  Right now in my life I'm on the path to rediscovering myself.  Because who I was is not who "I am" and now I need to figure out who I am.  I am searching the direction God wants me to take.  And while I have faith we'll have more kids, there are times where I'll need to be reminded that I am a mom.

And while I may not know who I am, I know who I'm not.  I also know that I can pull strength from God knowing exactly who he is and I can pull strength from knowing God.  I may be searching for a new meaning and purpose in my life.  I might have lost myself.  But I know God is carrying me when I can't carry myself and right beside me when I don't need to be carried.