Random Ramblings....

The thing is even on my bad days I feel a peace.  I think if we had stayed in Nashville life would be much different, and not for a good reason.  I think I would have sunk into a deeper depression than anyone or any medication could bring me out of.  If it weren't for my family I'm not so certain there wouldn't have been two graves instead of one.  It sounds horrible to say but I think I would have been that broken.  Either that or I wouldn't have realized I needed to go to the doctor.  After all, I thought I'd lost bladder control not that my water broke.  So we might not have went to the doctor and we might not have known the signs of infections to look for and it could have been too late.  Even if we'd waited much longer to get me to the hospital for my appendix it might have been much different.  Normally an appendectomy is an in and out kind of thing and they kept me over Sunday night, Monday night and let me go at 12:30am Wednesday morning because the infection had been so bad.  I didn't know it had been so bad until my follow up appointment.  I know we couldn't have done it without everyone here.  We moved to CA on blind faith.  We knew everyone thought we were crazy.  We had a house and jobs in Nashville and we were moving to CA in with my parents to no jobs.  Not to mention we didn't know what was going to happen to the house.  But we felt it was the right decision.  Then it was because we knew we couldn't raise a family without the biggest support system we could have.  Not to mention my dad's health and then finding out when we got here my grandma had breast cancer.  We could have moved closer to his family but didn't feel it was right.  His family is more spread out and they're not as close and so there was never any debate.  I'd been feeling the pull since January.  In the beginning of March there was a question of my contract being renewed so I brought up moving and my husband just wasn't sure.  Then we found out about Ashley and he said to start packing because we were moving.  We still have a lot of what ifs.  Yeah, my husband is doing contract work for the company he was working for.  But there are a lot of what ifs.  But we both somehow know coming here was the right decision.


Now I wonder if it wasn't because God knew we'd need the support.  And we would not have had it in Nashville.


I still ask God why and I'm sure I will for a long time.  Especially as anniversarys, due dates, holidays, and birthdays pass.  Like tomorrow.  It will be one month since I gave birth.


I'm a completely different person now.  I will never be who I was.  And I can't help but feeling that my life is being directed somewhere new.  And now I'm searching for what I'm supposed to be doing.  I have a stronger feeling then ever to get my Master's.  And I know I need a job.  I'm just wondering what it is I'm supposed to be doing.


Yes, I wonder all this through my pain because trust me it hurts.  But I loved her. Even on the days I 'forgot' I was pregnant because I didn't feel pregnant I know with all my heart I loved her.  My dad almost died from an infection the day after we found out and the hope of her was the only thing that got me through being so far away.  And now that she's gone my dad has told my husband that he used to think he wasn't going to be around much longer but now he thinks he'll be around for a long time.  It's interesting how things work.


But I still have my bad days.  I fear leaving the house.  I fear the looks I know people will give me that know what happened.  I fear seeing pregnant women, babies, and kids.  And I know eventually I'll have to move past that.  And there are times I don't know how I'm going to get through it but I know I will.  Even when I'm bawling my eyes out and screaming, I have a peace.


Now that I'm finally healing from everything we'll probably start counseling soon.  My grandpa knows someone who's volunteered to see us and there's a non-profit agency that can see us as well.  So we may see the guy my grandpa knows together and see the agency individually because I think we need both.


You know my biggest fear is not being able to have a baby? Ironic since I was afraid I could never get pregnant.  Now my fear has changed to never having a living healthy baby.  I want to try again but it frightens me.  It's like my fear hasn't really changed.  I asked my husband that.  I asked him what if we couldn't have kids? What if this keeps happening? I asked him how he could want to be with me if I couldn't give him children.  I did.  It's some of the things that roll around in my mind and I know I can ask him these things without judgement.  He's a great husband.  He told me that he has no doubt in his mind that I am who he wants to spend a lifetime with no matter what happens.  Kids or not, he has no doubt of his love for me.  Time and time again God is proving I married the right man.  Even the women that visited me at the hospital commented on how much he was there for me, how attentive he is and how supportive.