I accepted a temporary job this past week that should supposedly ended within the next several days. It is to help a hospital "go live". Really, they're going to electronic charting, aka, paperless. I was told I would be doing a lot of walking. Right before it started I told my mom that I hope I don't have to go to labor and delivery. We both realized I need to accept the possibility.
I wound up starting at the hospital I first went to when we weren't sure if my water broke. The second day we were there we hit labor and delivery. I managed to do just fine with it. Then we hit more of L&D. Only this was where new mom's stayed after they delivered. We went into one room to check a computer and I did well. We'd been at this for about 2.5 hours now. The second room, did me in.
We walked in and a newborn was getting their picture taken. The baby's knees were underneath the belly and the arms tucked in with the baby's head laying on the bed. Imagine the fetal position. The baby was wearing a blue onsie and was wearing angel wings. The baby's eyes were closed. When we first walked in I had to do a double take. It was the closed eyes. We went on about our business but standing in there I couldn't stop the tears and I had to walk out.
The experience crippled me. I think it was the angel wings. I saw this newborn and had this horrible thought about dead angel babies go through my head. In fact, I can still close my eyes and picture this innocent baby. I couldn't help but think of Ashley. It took me at least 30 minutes to compose myself before I could walk back in and help finish the job in this department. I wasn't even sure I could go back the next day to work.
The experience was one of the hardest I've faced. When I got home I pretty much went right to bed. My husband was a bit concerned and came in the room and asked me if I was ok because of my experience. I lost it. I cried like a hadn't cried since we lost and buried Ashley. Deep wailing and sobbing. Heart wrenching noises. Anxiety and heartbroken tears.
I feel so horrible for looking at this baby and thinking about dead babies being angels. But my baby is an Angel Baby. And I guess I just flashed back to her getting pictures taken, her eyes never to open and see the world.
I went back to work yesterday. This incident took place Thursday. And I will go back on Monday. But I wonder if I was really ready to go back to work. I had comfortable detached myself from what had happened so I could cope and that band aid has since been ripped off. And I do seriously wonder if my grief and depression is crippling me far beyond what I thought and realized and if I'm ready to join the rest of the community in working. Then again, maybe this was just the worst possible job I could have accepted a little more than two months then loosing and burying my daughter.
I wish every day that I had never been forced into this community of grieving parents that loose their babies.
Oh Ashley, how I miss you! I miss and love you so much! I wish I never have to think about dead Angel babies! I wish I never had the need to visit you at your grave.
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