Beautiful Dollbaby

Beautiful Dollbaby
Our Angel in Heaven

Saturday, August 20, 2011

My life is a rollercoaster of emotions.

So the past few days I have been on constant edge.  I guess part of it is (potential TMI alert) that my body is getting back to its womanly duties.  While I'm glad to have my cycles back, I hate it with every breath.  It's a horrible reminder that I am not pregnant.  It's a horrible reminder that I should still have Ashley growing inside me, safe and sound.  But it's also hope that I can have another baby.  But I guess for now my pain is so deep that my monthly cycle brings more painful reminders than hope.  Not that the constant attack of emotions I've been under since we lost Ashley is enough, buyt now throw in mother nature's female curse.  You know, cramps, pms, hormones, period stuff.  Hello mother nature! I already have enough hormones right now as it is!

Then of course there is everyone else.  Everyone wanting me to move on.  Trying to get me out of the house.  Except I have to go when I'm ready.  And quite frankly, I'm not sure how ready I am.  It's starting to put me a little on edge being someone that people make decisions for.  "You're going out." "You're leaving the house." "You need to do this." I'm still my own person! I get that people are trying to help me.  Really, I do.  But it's frustrating.  I've been battling insomnia, so I'm exhausted as all get out and on top of that my family wants me to go out and is hardly giving me a choice.  Heck, I got so fed up with it and so angry that I grabbed my stuff and left.  I put gas in my car and just left.  They wanted me out of the house, they got it.  Of course I came back.  But I was just so overwhelmed with what everyone else decided I should be doing and with everything they were telling me I was going to do, that I left.  It's hard enough to grieve without other people trying to make your decisions for you.  Find a job. Call the recruiter. Find a job. Walk the dogs. Do something. Get out the house. ARGHHHHHHH! What if I'm so tired all I want to do is sleep? What if I'm so tired I can't walk the dogs? What if I'm so sad I just DON'T CARE!?!?!? What if everything everyone wants me to do is just stressing me out to the point where all I want is to shut down.

I guess you could say I'm finding my anger.  Because I am.  Angry.  Very angry.  At myself nonetheless.  You see we had a plan, well sort of.  We'd move here to CA, get jobs, get on our feet and have our own place.  And me? Well I went and ruined it.  I lost my daughter.  I lost my baby.  It's my fault.  Because now we're struggling for longer then we were supposed to.  We're all feeling the stress of living in the same house because I couldn't stay pregnant.  Basically, we're all miserable because my body failed my daughter and basically killed her.  Yup.  Self-blame.  No matter what anyone says, I feel it.  Throw in the fact that we're all grieving seperately and I'm severly depressed and the picture starts to become clear I guess.  Because I do feel like it's my fault.  Life turned to poo because I couldn't keep my baby safe inside of me.  All I want is to be left alone.  All I want is for other people to let me make my own decisions in my own time without being forced.  All I want is my life back.  The life where I have the job I loved and my own space in my own house.  And instead, I'm sharing the smallest room  in my parents house with my husband with no job, no baby, and no sense of purpose.  I am completely lost.  I can't even begin to explain how I'm really feeling and this blog doesn't even touch the tip of the iceburg.

I feel all this pressure from everyone.  And that pressure makes me want to just run away and hide.  Because I AM NOT the same person I was.  Yeah, I need to get out of the house.  But really, you can't make that choice for me and force me out.  Yeah, I need to get a job.  But I have to find that job and I can't be forced into it.  I look for jobs and intentionally don't say a thing because I don't want the pressure of being asked if I've heard anything on the job I applied for.  I'm going through a process and quite frankly it's one I don't understand.  I know it's not my fault but I feel like everything is my fault.

To make matter worse is my birthday is coming up.  It's a birthday I don't even want acknowledged.  I don't want a cake, cards, happy birthday wishes, gifts, nothing.  I want it to go by just like any other day.  I don't want the reminder that I am alive and my daughter is rotting in a grave.  Sounds harsh, but it's how I feel.  How can I celebrate my birthday when my daughter will never celebrate hers? This is definetly a birthday I could live without.  Top that off with the fact that I was wanting my baby shower to be held on my birthday this year to make it extra special.  So this years birthday is exceptionally painful.  Because I don't want the reminder.  I don't want cheesey stupid happy birthday cards because it's not one.  If anything I want sympathy notes.  But please don't tell me happy birthday.  The closer my birthday comes the more angry and grumpy I'm getting.

I guess it's probably not helping that I haven't been sleeping and I stopped taking my anti depressents.  Not intentionally, it just happened.  Though of course now I have practically locked myself in my room with the exception of eating, showering, and going to the bathroom.  Now the past couple days I've really done nothing but sleep.  In fact I went to bed about 1am Friday morning and woke up at 6pm just to go back to bed at 10:30pm and wake up today at about 1pm.  It's pretty ridiculous.

Add in the fact that I'm a pretty sensitive person.  I take things that are said to me to heart.  And lately I've had some pretty ugly things said to me.  Things I took to heart.  I took this thing that was said to heart so much I now feel like EVERYTHING is my fault and if one more thing goes wrong that will be my fault too.  Instead of acknowledging that I'm grieving, I had myself ripped to shreds and torn down.  So please watch what you say to someone in pain.  The past couple of days have had me so down I literally wondered what it would be like to walk away and never look back.  I wonder if I walked away if it would make everyone's life that much easier because I'm not here to screw it up.  Yes, I feel that miserable.  I feel that alone.  I am in that much pain and agony.  Every harsh word I hear just makes it that much worse.  I have never wanted to just walk away and leave everything behind me.  And really, I don't want to do that now.  I'm just on that much of a rollercoaster of emotions.

1 comment:

  1. I hope your last week has been better. I am praying for you and think of you so often.