Closure

So to help balance out my angry post, I want to post about something positive.  Something hopeful.  I actually wanted to do this Wednesday but I have been sick with a sinus infection and felt to crappy to blog anything.

We went and saw the geneticist on Wednesday.  I learned some things.  One being, ask your doctor to actually read your test results to you.  You see, my OB (with good intentions) misread some labs I had done and told me I was positive and homozygous for the C677T MTHFR gene mutation.  She had went on to tell my husband and I that this mutation is commonly linked to 2nd trimester loss and I would most likely be put on blood thinners during future pregnancies.  I looked it up, she was right.  Well, come to find out, she had the gene mutation wrong.  I am actually homozygous for the A1298C MTHFR mutation.  This one is less impactful during pregnancy.  It turns out, I don't have a baby killing gene mutation and was given the WRONG information at my OB appointment a while ago.  Let me tell you, I feel some pretty big relief! My husband gets to be tested for MTHFR because if he has it I still get to be treated, but I can handle that.

In fact, the geneticist went on to say that from the reports it was clear we lost Ashley due to an infection.  And when she discovered how soon I had my appendix out after we lost Ashley even she raised her eyebrows and wonders if I had undiagnosed appendicitis.  She told us that upon testing, EVERYTHING was infected from the placenta, to Ashley, to what fluid was left, to the umbilical cord!  Well... I'm no doctor but I'm placing a bet that I did have appendicitis and no one thought to look into that.  In fact, I'm willing to bet I had it since the beginning of June when I started having random side pains that would prevent me from being able to move that we passed off as pregnancy pains from pulling a muscle or something.  I am fully comfortable saying that I probably had infection growing outside my appendix for a while.  Heck, when we first went in to see if my water broke we were told my white blood count was elevated indicating infection.

So I gained some very important closure in this appointment.  My family had already decided the appendicitis was the culprit, but when I found out I had this gene that it turns out I don't really have, I just wasn't sure.  Now, I'm completely positive that I had undiagnosed appendicitis that caused infection to travel and cause my water to break and us to loose Ashley.  So I'm really glad it's gone.  Sure, I'll still be one paranoid momma in the next pregnancy, but now I won't have to worry about my appendix coming back.

So while my husband still needs some testing done and I still have some female issues to get fixed before we can get pregnant again, I have some peace of mind.  I don't have a baby killing gene and what happened is a fluke that can't happen again.   Sayanara appendix! Hope you enjoyed your trip to the bio hazard burn center or whatever they do with horrible things like you!

Anger and Bitterness Uncensored

As is evident by the title this particular entry is about anger.  Some of you may be familiar with the fact that anger is a stage of grief.  When we first lost Ashley I laughed at the stages of grief because I wasn't going through stages.  My stages were all jumbled together.  I guess, however, this is changing.  I've actually tried to avoid blogging about this, but the thing is, that is the reason for my blog.  I blog to be completely honest about what I am going through.  Because if I don't blog about my feelings then maybe you as the reader won't understand what someone in my shoes that you know is going through or if you're in my shoes you may not realize that if you're feeling something similar that it is completely normal.  So that's what this particular entry will be about.  My anger.  Please understand, consider this a small disclaimer, that these are simply my feelings as a result of my grief.  I cannot control them.  They are natural and I am not the only person who has lost a child that feels this way.

So here goes...

Life bites.  Yup.  Totally angry at life right now.  I am an angry and bitter person.  I guess it has to do with the fact that Ashley's due date is coming up on November 5.  It seems everywhere I go I have some stinking reminder that I am supposed to be pregnant.

Right now I am experiencing a daily reminder that I'm not pregnant.  Yup, TMI alert.  I have been on my period now for 20 days.  It's embarrassing and a problem.  Heck, it keeps me from leaving the house.  I hate it.  I hate my body.  Why can't it just go back to normal? Well, it turns out I have a thick uterine lining and require an endometrial biopsy to see if they can figure out what's going on.  Ok, I can handle that.  But really? Is this necessary? Do I really have to deal with this too? Isn't loosing my daughter enough? I guess not.  I hate the fact that I have to keep changing my pad every day.  It's a horrible reminder that I'm not supposed to be doing that.  It pisses me off.  You see, I wanted to get pregnant before Ashley's due date so I could say that SOMETHING good at least came from all this crap in my life.  Clearly, that is not going to happen.  Now my new goal is by Christmas of this year.  But for that goal to be met we have to get my body working right again.  So yeah, I'm a bit angry with my body.

Moving on.

We went to the fair this week.  Boy had I been looking forward to all the great food! And boy did I ever enjoy all that great food!  But walking around I was surrounded by reminders.  Reminders that I am not pregnant and my arms are empty.  One reminder in particular really ticked me off.  We walked by a clearly pregnant woman smoking.  Really? I take care of my body to have a healthy happy baby and loose her and that b**** is giving her baby harmful chemicals and she gets to stay pregnant? There is something clearly not fair here.  Granted, I am overweight.  But I made sure to take my prenatal vitamins until I couldn't choke them down anymore.  I craved and ate fruits and vegetables.  I might not have exercised like I should but I wasn't lazy either.  I went to work and packed up a house so we could move.  Heck, we uprooted our lives to give our daughter the best future in life we could.  I cut out and down the caffeine.  I stopped taking certain medications.  I made all these positive changes to give my baby a healthy safe haven and I lost her and some stupid woman is smoking.  I remind you, I am grieving and these are my uncensored feelings.  I am an ex-smoker.  Not everyone knows this.  So I get the whole addiction part of it.  But had I have been a smoker when I got pregnant I would have stopped cold turkey! So it makes me angry when women take advantage of their bodies and babies that can't defend themselves and abuse the privilege of parenthood by smoking and/or drinking.  In fact, I was so offended by this that if we passed her again I planned on saying something.  It's a good thing our God is awesome because I guess he told her she needed to move because I didn't see her again.  Before I was pregnant seeing a pregnant woman smoking bothered me, but not like this.  It really is about the unfairness of smoking being a danger to a baby and women getting to keep their babies when I didn't do things like that and lost mine.  So much is taken for granted every time a pregnant woman lights up a cigarette or takes a drink of alcohol.  And it ticks me off.  Heck, I've been craving cigarettes since I lost Ashley and had appendicitis and I haven't touched them because I want to continue preparing my body for another pregnancy.  The hard part is biting my tongue because I don't think some women do thing to purposefully hurt their unborn children.  But I bite my tongue quite often.

So also while we were at the fair there was this commerce stand that sold these really adorable baby blankets and such.  I told my sister, "I feel like I should be buying these." Her response was, "That's because you technically should be."  The honest truth of that makes me angry.  I should be due in a matter of weeks.  I should be going crazy buying up all sorts of cute things for Ashley to snuggle and play with and I can't because I have no reason to.  Instead I compulsively go to feel these soft things and want to cry because I can't give them to her and I have no reason to buy any of them.  It's painful.  And of course, walking around I see all these pregnant women or women with newborns.  I'm telling you, I have preg-dar and baby-dar.  I can see and smell them a mile away.  I see a tiny baby in a stroller and all I can do is stare and think about how I'm supposed to have one.  I see a pregnant woman and think how I should be at the fair totally fat and plump looking like I'm ready to pop any day, eating everything in sight and complaining about feet and back pain!  And instead, I'm thin (compared to what I would be 9 months pregnant), have no reason to over indulge, and can't buy my baby girl all these cute things.  It makes me angry!

I mean, to tie these together... Why is it that all these women who obviously abuse their babies and put their babies in harms way by drinking, smoking, and/or doing drugs get to have and/or keep their babies and I don't? What is fair in that? Nothing! Not that I want ANYONE to loose a child, because I don't, but in the world of fairness, something isn't right.  You have kids running around popping out babies that should have kept their legs closed and then people like my husband and I who are ready for a family that has their little dream ripped away from them.  You have young adults that have one night stands that get pregnant on a whim, and then people like me an others I know that fight to get pregnant because it's difficult and requires actual planning.  How is this fair? It's not right!

One of the most painful things for me right now is seeing other babies or pregnant women.  Heck, it's painful for me to hear about my 1 year old cousin or my sister-in-law's new adopted baby that over 1 year old.  Which seems silly since there is obviously and age gap, but I do.  I guess it has to do with them being young enough to remind me of what I'm supposed to have had soon.  It just hurts.  It's not their fault (so if you're reading this please understand), it's just the result of grief.  I am happy for couple's that have their healthy happy babies.  Right now there are two people in my life that are both pregnant with girls that are due within days of my due date.  One effects me more than the other.  And that is my cousin.  See, her daughter's first name will be Elizabeth and she is due shortly after me.  I check up on her via facebook periodically but do it rarely because it hurts.  But I still want to make sure she's ok.  But I recently discovered this entirely selfish thought.  It'd be like a slap in the face if she had her daughter on November 5.  Now, I realize she can't control this.  But still... the things you think of after you've lost a baby.  Before we lost Ashley I thought it'd be kind of neat if we had them on the same day.  Now, I'm afraid to be around her when she's born because they would have literally been the same age give or take a day or two.  I guess living across the country can be a beautiful thing.  I'm incredibly blessed to have my aunt, her mother, understand exactly what I am going through.  She actually gave birth to a stillborn daughter at 9 months.  She remains sensitive to what I feel and how difficult this particular situation is and actually called to ask me if I would want an announcement or not because she didn't want to offend me either way because she knows how hard this is.  I told her to send me one and if I looked at it I did, and if not, I didn't but if I got one I could make that decision.  Because the truth of the matter is, no matter when Elizabeth is born, I will be happy for my cousin.  I'm by no means angry at her or anyone else.  I'm just angry at life's stupid reminders.  I guess it's just all the pain and grief I have to go through.  So, my dear cousin, if you read this, please understand I love you and am happy for you, this is just about my feelings of how difficult life is right now and it's so important for other people to realize how normal these kind of feelings are.

My husband and I were watching the news just the other night and a story came on about kids being helped by some online therapy for chewing and swallowing problems.  The little boy portrayed was old enough to be eating solid foods and walking but they gave some background on him.  He was born at 23 weeks.  My husband and I felt the same.  Really? 23 weeks? He was able to make it and Ashley wasn't? Sure he has some problems, but he's LIVING! It makes me so angry that Ashley didn't get that chance to survive! Why not Ashley? Why do we have to go through the loss of a child?!?!? Why is it people that don't want kids have kids and give them away but those of us who want kids have to fight to have them? It's not fair and it's infuriating!!

I'm clearly in a stage right now where every little reminder makes me that much more bitter and angry.  I should be having a baby shower.  I should be buying cute things for Ashley.  We should be preparing her room.  Heck, we uprooted from our jobs and our house and moved in with my parents.  And life is not what we planned.  I should be having braxton-hicks contractions right along with my friend from high school due around the same time as me.  I should be rechecking my hospital bag.  I should be taking classes.  I should be kept awake at night by Ashley kicking me.  And I'm not.  And the closer it gets to get due date, the more painful it is.

I'm in a private group or two.  And some of the situations I have mentioned in this blog also relate to the other Angel Mommies I have come to know and love.  They're feelings we all share about the various events in our lives.  Yet we feel restricted about talking about these feelings and guilty for having them.  At least I feel guilty.  The problem is, I can't help how I feel.  It's called grief.  And right now, part of that grief is anger at the hand I have been dealt.  Right now I am a negative Nancy because I am hiding from my pain with anger.  I have numbed myself with the feeling of anger.

The ironic part is I'm ok with being angry.  That means that I am working through my grief.  I would be more afraid if I felt absolutely nothing.  But the thing is, I have to cut myself some slack because grief can take more or less than 18 months and I'm only 3.5 months into my grieving.  So these feelings and such are actually healthy for me to have.  It means I'm working through things.  So yes, I'm one pissed off person, but I'm happy that I am because that means I'm working on healing! Odd way to look at it, huh?

To Work or Not To Work... That Is The Question...

So I have been faced with a rather huge dilemma since loosing Ashley.  That dilemma is working.  I have always wanted a career.  I've always wanted to work.  In fact, when I wasn't working at the end of 2009 and beginning of 2010 it drove me nuts even though I was in school finishing a degree.  I'm the type of person that goes crazy when not working.  Stir crazy, especially.

Now, I don't know what to do.  I have absolutely no desire to work.  Whatsoever.  Period.  Sure I've done a temp job or two.  But it's more of just to do something.  There is no desire or excitement.  I could care less.  In fact, I seriously wonder if I'm even ready to work.

It's so stinking complicated.  The money would be great if I worked.  But working is completely unappealing.  This is so new to me.  I've never wanted to be a "house wife".  But more and more that's all I want to do.  Sometimes the mere thought of working sends me into a panic.

Granted, I'm still applying for jobs but my heart isn't really in it.  And I'm kind of in the mindset that if I work I at least want it to be a worthwhile job that helps somebody.  Heck, I even have two county exams coming up for Social Services.  I'm going to both.  But even then, with worthy jobs, I'm ambivalent about working.

It's horrible.  I know some people want me to work but I just have no desire.  In fact, I want to get pregnant and stay home and be one of those crazy soccer moms on the PTA, driving my kid to dance and soccer practices, baking cookies for school, etc.  I've never been the type to want to be that person.

I guess there's something about loosing a baby that changes you and what you find valuable and important.  So for now I'm just coasting along seeing what comes my way.  Ironically I still want to get my Master's degree.  I just have no desire to work.

Sigh... to have the days back when I was blissfully ignorant!

Coffee....

So I have recently acknowledged that loosing Ashley has turned me into a bitter woman.  I see pregnant women and women with newborns and it just gets under my skin! Why do they get their babies and I don't get mine? It makes me angry and bitter that instead of Ashley's body growing big and strong, it is rotting in a cloth and wooden coffin inside a cement vault.  It's morbid to think about and disgusting that it's true.  I never had a thought like that until I lost Ashley.  I guess it's because anyone else I've known that's passed away my age or older had some chance of life and she had none.  I have all this bitterness building up inside me and I can't seem to get rid of it.  All I want is hope and some happiness.

So here is where coffee comes in.  I love Starbucks. My recent kick is a Venti Iced White Chocolate Mocha.  Yum! Yum!  However, I can't stand my coffee black! Why? You guessed it! It's strong and BITTER!!!  However, once I add that flavor and/or sugar and milk, it is yummy.  The bitterness becomes tolerable.  It becomes livable.  And getting an iced coffee instead of hot coffee in the summer is calming just as having a hot coffee in the winter is warming.

So here is where it ties in.  Right now I am like a big, fat, huge cup of piping hot strong bitter coffee in the summer.  I'm tired of the heat.  I need something soothing and calming.  My anger and bitterness are overwhelmingly strong.  In fact, much like coffee, they keep me awake at night even when I don't want them too.  And my bitterness in itself is hard to digest.  I can't stand my bitterness and I can't seem to change it.  So what I want and need is something sweet and flavorful, like hope.

The sweet hope I want is another baby, particularly another girl.  I crave pregnancy and having a baby much like I crave caffeine when I go too long without it.  Thing is, I can't always get caffeine just like I can't get pregnant on a whim.  I'm not that lucky.  I'm not the woman who can try to get pregnant once with my husband and be successful.  Heck, I only have one fallopian tube so it makes it that much harder.  But I want that hope.  As hard as it is, I want another baby sooner than later.  I want the sweetness of a little bundle of joy to start taking away some of the bitterness in me, just like I want sugar with my coffee.

I know that there will always be something of the anger and bitterness about loosing Ashley lingering around, just like the taste of coffee after you've finished the cup, sugar or not.  And really, that's ok.  Because I love Ashley and never want to forget her.  But I need some white chocolate flavoring and milk added to my coffee cup now.

So right now, if I had to describe it, I would say my grief is like a hot and strong bitter cup of coffee.

3 months...

Has it really been 3 months since we lost our beautiful daughter? I guess so.  Tomorrow, October 5, marks 3 months since we lost Ashley.  In one month, she would be due.  It's all so surreal.  At times I wonder, "Was I really pregnant?" And at other times I think, "OMG, I should have a baby in a month." I avoid pregnant women like crazy because when reality hits it hurts.  So if I know you and you're pregnant, don't take offense.  It's simply a defense mechanism.

It's so bizarre because I don't wish the pain of loosing a child on anyone, but at the same time when I see or hear of other pregnant women doing well I get so jealous.  THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE ME! I'm supposed to be setting up a crib and going through clothes and learning how to breathe through labor! Instead, I see someone pregnant and just want to cry and hide from the world.

As Ashley's due date draws nearer I'm posed with a complex question.  Do we celebrate her birthday or her due date? Or both? This year it will definitely be both.  But what about the following years? I think that we will be inviting family to write little notes to Ashley and tie them to a balloon and do a balloon release.  Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.

Tonight we begin a grief support group.  I'm excited and terrified at the same time.  I don't know what to expect.  But I really hope we can form relationships with other parents like us.  It's appropriate that this group starts in October which along with being Breast Cancer Awareness month is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month.

What's even greater? We start group tonight followed by individual sessions on Thursday.  It's right around the 3 month loss anniversary.  Amazing timing.

Oh, and I start a new job tomorrow.  As a transcriptionist.

There has been so much that has happen in such a short time.  And I can't help but think that this isn't what we were supposed to have been doing.  I mean, instead of donating the Enfamil samples and coupons, we should be stockpiling the stupid things! I shouldn't even be able to see my feet!

Oh yeah, we got our first sample of baby formula, Enfamil, yesterday in the mail.  Talk about a slap in the face.  I'd kind of hoped that those would go to our Nashville address and not find us here in California.  All well, I kind of expected to get some of this stuff here and had planned on donating it if I got it.  At least it can help someone else out.

Oh, we have an appointment Monday afternoon to see the genetic counselor. I hope we get some answers and hope at that appointment.  Because I could use a big dose of it! Heck, I could use a big dose of being pregnant again, and soon!

I want another baby so badly! It hurts.  My arms ache.  No baby will ever replace Ashley, ever.  But I want one.  I need to love on a little one.  I have turned into a bitter woman and want nothing more than to have a healthy safe pregnancy to help sweeten myself back up again!

Oh, I ordered a couple of ornaments for Ashley for Christmas.  One for us and one for my parents.  I think we will have them engraved if we can.