Coffee....

So I have recently acknowledged that loosing Ashley has turned me into a bitter woman.  I see pregnant women and women with newborns and it just gets under my skin! Why do they get their babies and I don't get mine? It makes me angry and bitter that instead of Ashley's body growing big and strong, it is rotting in a cloth and wooden coffin inside a cement vault.  It's morbid to think about and disgusting that it's true.  I never had a thought like that until I lost Ashley.  I guess it's because anyone else I've known that's passed away my age or older had some chance of life and she had none.  I have all this bitterness building up inside me and I can't seem to get rid of it.  All I want is hope and some happiness.

So here is where coffee comes in.  I love Starbucks. My recent kick is a Venti Iced White Chocolate Mocha.  Yum! Yum!  However, I can't stand my coffee black! Why? You guessed it! It's strong and BITTER!!!  However, once I add that flavor and/or sugar and milk, it is yummy.  The bitterness becomes tolerable.  It becomes livable.  And getting an iced coffee instead of hot coffee in the summer is calming just as having a hot coffee in the winter is warming.

So here is where it ties in.  Right now I am like a big, fat, huge cup of piping hot strong bitter coffee in the summer.  I'm tired of the heat.  I need something soothing and calming.  My anger and bitterness are overwhelmingly strong.  In fact, much like coffee, they keep me awake at night even when I don't want them too.  And my bitterness in itself is hard to digest.  I can't stand my bitterness and I can't seem to change it.  So what I want and need is something sweet and flavorful, like hope.

The sweet hope I want is another baby, particularly another girl.  I crave pregnancy and having a baby much like I crave caffeine when I go too long without it.  Thing is, I can't always get caffeine just like I can't get pregnant on a whim.  I'm not that lucky.  I'm not the woman who can try to get pregnant once with my husband and be successful.  Heck, I only have one fallopian tube so it makes it that much harder.  But I want that hope.  As hard as it is, I want another baby sooner than later.  I want the sweetness of a little bundle of joy to start taking away some of the bitterness in me, just like I want sugar with my coffee.

I know that there will always be something of the anger and bitterness about loosing Ashley lingering around, just like the taste of coffee after you've finished the cup, sugar or not.  And really, that's ok.  Because I love Ashley and never want to forget her.  But I need some white chocolate flavoring and milk added to my coffee cup now.

So right now, if I had to describe it, I would say my grief is like a hot and strong bitter cup of coffee.