So I have been faced with a rather huge dilemma since loosing Ashley. That dilemma is working. I have always wanted a career. I've always wanted to work. In fact, when I wasn't working at the end of 2009 and beginning of 2010 it drove me nuts even though I was in school finishing a degree. I'm the type of person that goes crazy when not working. Stir crazy, especially.
Now, I don't know what to do. I have absolutely no desire to work. Whatsoever. Period. Sure I've done a temp job or two. But it's more of just to do something. There is no desire or excitement. I could care less. In fact, I seriously wonder if I'm even ready to work.
It's so stinking complicated. The money would be great if I worked. But working is completely unappealing. This is so new to me. I've never wanted to be a "house wife". But more and more that's all I want to do. Sometimes the mere thought of working sends me into a panic.
Granted, I'm still applying for jobs but my heart isn't really in it. And I'm kind of in the mindset that if I work I at least want it to be a worthwhile job that helps somebody. Heck, I even have two county exams coming up for Social Services. I'm going to both. But even then, with worthy jobs, I'm ambivalent about working.
It's horrible. I know some people want me to work but I just have no desire. In fact, I want to get pregnant and stay home and be one of those crazy soccer moms on the PTA, driving my kid to dance and soccer practices, baking cookies for school, etc. I've never been the type to want to be that person.
I guess there's something about loosing a baby that changes you and what you find valuable and important. So for now I'm just coasting along seeing what comes my way. Ironically I still want to get my Master's degree. I just have no desire to work.
Sigh... to have the days back when I was blissfully ignorant!
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