Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Has it really been 3 months since we lost our beautiful daughter? I guess so. Tomorrow, October 5, marks 3 months since we lost Ashley. In one month, she would be due. It's all so surreal. At times I wonder, "Was I really pregnant?" And at other times I think, "OMG, I should have a baby in a month." I avoid pregnant women like crazy because when reality hits it hurts. So if I know you and you're pregnant, don't take offense. It's simply a defense mechanism.
It's so bizarre because I don't wish the pain of loosing a child on anyone, but at the same time when I see or hear of other pregnant women doing well I get so jealous. THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE ME! I'm supposed to be setting up a crib and going through clothes and learning how to breathe through labor! Instead, I see someone pregnant and just want to cry and hide from the world.
As Ashley's due date draws nearer I'm posed with a complex question. Do we celebrate her birthday or her due date? Or both? This year it will definitely be both. But what about the following years? I think that we will be inviting family to write little notes to Ashley and tie them to a balloon and do a balloon release. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.
Tonight we begin a grief support group. I'm excited and terrified at the same time. I don't know what to expect. But I really hope we can form relationships with other parents like us. It's appropriate that this group starts in October which along with being Breast Cancer Awareness month is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month.
What's even greater? We start group tonight followed by individual sessions on Thursday. It's right around the 3 month loss anniversary. Amazing timing.
Oh, and I start a new job tomorrow. As a transcriptionist.
There has been so much that has happen in such a short time. And I can't help but think that this isn't what we were supposed to have been doing. I mean, instead of donating the Enfamil samples and coupons, we should be stockpiling the stupid things! I shouldn't even be able to see my feet!
Oh yeah, we got our first sample of baby formula, Enfamil, yesterday in the mail. Talk about a slap in the face. I'd kind of hoped that those would go to our Nashville address and not find us here in California. All well, I kind of expected to get some of this stuff here and had planned on donating it if I got it. At least it can help someone else out.
Oh, we have an appointment Monday afternoon to see the genetic counselor. I hope we get some answers and hope at that appointment. Because I could use a big dose of it! Heck, I could use a big dose of being pregnant again, and soon!
I want another baby so badly! It hurts. My arms ache. No baby will ever replace Ashley, ever. But I want one. I need to love on a little one. I have turned into a bitter woman and want nothing more than to have a healthy safe pregnancy to help sweeten myself back up again!
Oh, I ordered a couple of ornaments for Ashley for Christmas. One for us and one for my parents. I think we will have them engraved if we can.