Thursday, December 11, 2014
How to successfully invoke the wrath of the hormonal pregnant woman (or women) in your life:
Ok, so after three years we are finally pregnant again. However, as the title suggests, this blog is about how to successfully annoy a pregnant woman. Considering the hormones that take place, doing the following may result in bodily harm. I have polled some fellow ladies and the following is a list that we have come up with (since I'm only 29wks and 3 days this list may grow). Please take these with a grain of salt and read the statments seriously while understanding the intended dry humor.
1. The baby's (or babies') name(s).
At first it was somewhat cute when people suggest I name my kid after them. Now, 150 name your baby after me name suggestions, I wish I had koolaide filled balloons to throw at people and hope they're wearing a white shirt so it stains. Thanks, but I want my child to have his/her own identity. (We actually already know our daughter's name - Yup! It's a girl! - but are not sharing.) Your name is great for you, but do you really want me to be honest and tell you I don't like your name either that much or for my kid?
2. Telling me when I should have my baby after hearing his/her due date.
Um, thanks but no thanks. I want my child to have her own day! I do not want her to share your, your sister, brother, child, great-grandmother twice removed, or best friend's birthday. If it happens naturally, that's one thing. Aside from that, let's just let my child's day be their own special day. And let's face it, you're about the millionth person who wants my kid to share the pope's birthday so your suggestion is just flat out a pain. Of course, on the flip side, don't tell me NOT to have my child on a certain day because that is your, your sister, brother, child, spouse, great-grandmother twice removed, or best friend's birthday. Let's be honest, I cannot control when I go into labor, unless my baby is late and they need to induce or schedule a c-section. And if I go into labor I'm not about to hold my baby in like someone holding their bladder until they find the next available clean toilet in public. My baby will come when she comes. And if she's late and they talk about inducing, I already know what day I want. Nope, not sharing that either.
3. Discuss my eating habits.
Please don't tell me I should be eating more because I'm now eating for two. This is technically not true. A person of healthy weight should only be increasing their calories by approximately 300 per day. Eating for two can cause unnecessary weight gain. And the person you may be talking to may have a medical condition that limits how much they can consume or how much and what they should consume. Of course they also may not be eating much because out of politeness they are trying to avoid vomiting from their all day sickness and you just happened to serve them the one kind of food that makes them vomit on demand. Also, don't tell me I shouldn't be eating so much because I don't really need to eat for two. My diet is between me, my dr, and my baby. In my case, I have two doctors. So unless you want me to tell you to stop eating like a starving pregnant lady, I would keep the food comments to yourself. Thanks.
4. Comment on how pregnant I do or do not look.
When we finally first announced we were pregnant again in public someone asked me if I was 9 months pregnant. I could tell they were not trying to be offensive. However, in the past year and a half I have lost close to 100lbs. We announced our pregnancy at 12 weeks. So thank you for making me feel like I already looked like a grossly bloated beached whale. Now, being that I am almost 30 weeks pregnant, I'm really not showing. Anticipating that that the buttons on my jeans would I annoy me I purchased new jeans two sizes too big at the beginning. They still fit the same and I can put them on and take them off without unbuttoning them. Now I'm in an awkward belly stage so pants annoy me in general and I pulled out my three sizes too big maternity pants from when I was 100lbs heavier and I really need a belt. So it really confuses me when people find out I'm almost 7 months pregnant and they say, "You're pregnant? I would have never guessed! You don't look pregnant!!!" I'm not sure if I should be flattered because I look that slim or offended because I look like the aforementioned bloated beached whale, you know -fat.
5. You haven't had your baby yet?
Personally I have not experienced this one. But to the person who's only 6 months pregnant that you just said that to, refer to #4. And pray for the first person who says it to me because I guarantee I do not want my baby to come early because I want her to be healthy and born alive. Thankfully, I'm pretty sure that most people that know me are fairly sensitive to this knowing our first child was stillborn.
6. Ask before touching the belly.
Seriously, if you ask and we say no, back off. If we say yes, then feel the belly. But if I don't know you, and you come up and rub my belly, expect the same treatment. Because male or female, I will rub your belly and ask when you're due. I don't care if you're 23 and just overweight, 30 and thin, 55 with a beer belly, or 88. I will rub your belly back.
7. How many kids are you planning on having?
Why does it matter? Maybe I'm happy with one, two, or I plan to be the next Duggar family. I will get pregnant as many times as I want and as my body will allow. If I stop at one, stop asking me if I plan on giving this child a sibling. If we stop at 22 don't ask when we plan on stopping. Now for us, we will try again, but let's face it, our daughter does have a sister. She may be in Heaven, but she counts to us. And for others who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, and child loss, those losses also count as our children. And while we're at it, don't tell me I need to have a specific gender next to make our family complete. God decides what baby we're having so to indicate that not having a boy or girl will make our family incomplete is wrong. And no matter how many boys or girls we have, maybe we're building an army to take over the world? Did you ever think about that? No? Didn't think so. Heck if we have twins, maybe we'll name them Pinky and The Brain.
8. You're walking funny or showing already?
Hey, I don't care if you think it's too early. My body says otherwise. So unless you want some comeback about a weird quirk you have, stop telling me I look funny when I walk or I'm so big the ultrasound I get every two weeks that only shows one baby must be wrong and I'm really having twins. Even if you're a size 0 and I have to make up the fact that your little toe is so fat so you must really have six toes, I will come back with something quirky about you. Also, refer to #4.
9. I'm tired of being pregnant.
Now, this one may irritate those of us who have experienced pregnancy and child loss more. But let's face it, your baby is healthy, so zip it! You knew what you were getting into when you got pregnant. Baby wasn't planned? Tough, unless you were on birth control, you knew the consequences of baby dancing and you have therefore relinquished all right to complain. You want to complain about morning sickness, bloating, aches and pains, fears of bonding, I get it. But I guarantee if you lost a child you probably wouldn't be saying you hate being pregnant, wish you weren't pregnant, or are tired of it. My back and hips hurt especially as my hips widen in anticipation of labor, my migraines are worse, I can hardly breath out of my nose now, and food has become my enemy, but every minute I stay pregnant I am happy because that means my baby is getting healthly and strong. So instead of telling people like me how much you loath pregnancy and wish you weren't, try being thankful for that cute baby you're growing! And if you really don't want to be pregnant, stop the baby dancing and get on birth control.