Beautiful Dollbaby

Beautiful Dollbaby
Our Angel in Heaven

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Learning to live.

I was texting with an aunt of mine yesterday and a thought struck me.  She told me that you have to "learn to live with the shattering before healing begins."  The thought that struck me is I'm not even to that stage yet.  I am, quite frankly, still relearning to live.  In a sense, a part of me died with Ashley.  So now, I have to live again.

My whole life has been changed.  I'm not the same person I was.  I don't know what to identify with.  I have to force myself out of bed every day.  I have to remember to breathe, because sometimes I forget how.

And this learning to live involves learning how to respond to others.  Yesterday I got a call from my dentist in Nashville wanting to confirm my new address but the first thing she asked me was, "How is your pregnancy going?" My response? "It's not."  To tell people that were excited for you about having a baby that that dream is no longer a reality is painful.  Other questions I get are, "Why did you move back?" Umm... well... The truth is we moved because I was pregnant.  But I'm getting to the point where all I want to say is, "Because I have family here."  But at the same time, I don't want to ignore my daughter.  So depending on my mood, depends on my response.  In an interview today when asked why I moved back my simple response was, "We had an opportunity to move back."  I don't know where it came from.  I didn't need to mention the opportunity.

I'm learning to live and in that I'm trying to figure out what to tell people when those uncomfortable questions are asked.  I dread the day when I'm asked, "Do you have kids?" Well... yeah... technically.  My problem is, I don't want to ignore my daughter, but it's a little socially awkward to tell people I have a daughter in Heaven.  But I want people to know I have a daughter.  It's all so complicated.

Each day presents a new challenge.  And I have to learn to live through each new challenge.  It's hard.  And quite frankly, it sucks.

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