Beautiful Dollbaby

Beautiful Dollbaby
Our Angel in Heaven

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Let the counseling begin...

I had my first individual post-partum loss counseling session.  I really need to learn not to separate myself.  But I did learn that what I'm going through is normal.  I think I'm learning more and more that I should get my Master's in Social Worker.  I know it would be difficult working with people like me or anywhere in the counseling realm, but it would give me the most purpose in life.

Closure is the hardest thing right now.  I wish I had it.  Instead, I only have more questions.  Was it the appendicitis that caused us to loose our daughter or my gene mutation?  Before the gene mutation discovery I was so comfortable blaming the appendicitis because that can only happen once.  I guess the genetic counselor will be able to answer those questions.  Though, like my counselor said, sometimes with answers you get more questions.  Well, we have answers which gave us more questions and now, well, now I want more answers.  I want to know exactly what caused this grief to come to be.  Or did they work together to give us these heavy hearts?

More than that... I want a sense of purpose.  I want a career with meaning.  I don't want a random job, though I guess it would be a start.  Instead, I want something with meaning.  And more than that, I want another baby that I can actually see grow up.

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