Beautiful Dollbaby

Beautiful Dollbaby
Our Angel in Heaven

Friday, September 2, 2011

Why can't I at least be a cool mutant with awesome superpowers?

So, we got all our testing back today.  Pathology, genetics, lab panel.... you name it.  Ashley was healthy.  Nothing wrong with her.  Nope, not a thing.  It's mommy.  Me.  It's my problem.  You see, we learned I have a C677T mutation of the MTHFR gene.  This can cause pregnancy loss.  According to my doctor, primarily second trimester loss.

Now I don't expect everyone to get my feelings, just acknowledge them.  Put yourself in my shoes.  Because if I feel this way, if you know someone else that's lost a baby, chances are she's felt this way too.  I would offhandedly say that my body killed Ashley.  I mean it's true.  My water broke and I got an infection.  But that was before I found out about this mutation.  Before I was comfortable blaming my appendix.  And now, well, now we'll never know the true cause.  But now, I feel like a failure.  Because it really is my fault.  It's not my fault because I did something wrong, but it's my fault for being, well... me.  It is my fault because I am.  It's a horrible feeling.  And I mean horrible.  No, I can't control it or fix it or change my genes.  But I feel so GUILTY! Now logically, I understand it's not my fault.  I understand I didn't choose my genes and that they chose me.  I get it.  But it's not how I feel.  I'm so angry and hurt and baffled! I am absolutely heartbroken! My baby was perfect and my body failed her! In essence, I failed her.

I mean, if I have to have this stupid ugly genetic mutation, couldn't I at least have a COOL mutant power to go along with it? Or even better, in place of it? You know... like super strength, flying, or invisibility? Couldn't I be Wonder Woman or Storm or Batwoman or something? Instead, my mutation has the ability to kill my babies. Really? I'd rather fly, and I'm terrified of heights!

So now on I go to individual therapy.  And boy will I have lots to talk about.  Because I feel pretty darn tootin' low.  I mean, now I'm craving pregnancy and I'm craving a baby, and now I'm terrified to boot! I used to be afraid I couldn't get pregnant.  Now I'm terrified I can't stay pregnant.  My husband wants to try again, and so do I, but I'm terrified of going through this again.

Now our lives include a genetic counselor.  Not to mention the high risk doctor I will always need on my team in any pregnancy.  What a nightmare.  Now with every pregnancy I face I will be absolutely paranoid.  I mean, I'm going to be the pregnant woman that stubs my toe and rushes to the ER.  Well, maybe not that drastic.  But from my understanding to improve my incurable circumstances I will be on blood thinners with every pregnancy.  Maybe the genetic counselor and high risk doctor will say different.  But now, for our peace of mind, this is our life.  People educating me on things I hated learning about in high school biology.  Facing the terror of whether or not my body will let me stay pregnant and not get blood clots.  I hated learning about DNA in high school, and now I get to take a deeper class on the subject.

I will say I'm glad my doctor is being aggressive.  I would rather know now than 3 graves down the line.  While I absolutely need to see a high risk doctor, I think she's including the genetic counselor to give us as much of a peace of mind and education as possible.  But now we have to 'plan' our pregnancies...

Ugh.... I'm so angry right now.

I really wish I had superpowers instead!!!

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