Beautiful Dollbaby

Beautiful Dollbaby
Our Angel in Heaven

Sunday, September 11, 2011

A Single Pink Balloon...

I knew birthday parties and being around babies would be rough.  But I went to my one year old cousin's first birthday this weekend.  I stayed for about an hour before becoming overwhelmed.  Actually, for some reason it was them getting her ready to get her first cake that did me in.  So I went and hid so I didn't ruin anyone else's fun.  Shortly thereafter, my husband and I left.  I was glad to have taken our own car instead of carpooling.  It's odd knowing that something is difficult but at the same time being sympathetic to others and not wanting to ruin the moment for them or make it sad.  I enjoyed the time I spent there, don't get me wrong.  But sometimes it's hard when a mother who's lost her child looks around and sees babies and parties and knows she doesn't get to experience this first hand with the child she lost.  But at the same time, she, rather I, am happy for other people because I wish this solitary burden on no one.

However, there was a moment during the party that I don't think any else noticed.  A single pink balloon broke free.  I doubt anyone but myself watched it happen.  But I watched it float to the sky.  It was almost like it was a message from Ashley and she was saying, "I know you miss me mommy.  I love you.  I'm celebrating with all of you.  And this party balloon is coming to meet me in Heaven."  I can't explain it really.  Because it was more of a feeling.  A feeling of knowing she was there.  And in that same moment as I watched it float out of sight I couldn't help but think that that balloon, that solitary balloon, represented my Ashley.

It's been hard lately.  I guess as my due date comes nearer it will become more difficult.  After all, it was just last week that two months had passed.  But especially this weekend I'm reminded that I'm not pregnant.  I look at myself in the mirror and am disgusted by how thin I am.  A bit ironic, honestly, considering I wear a size 24. Gasp, I just shared my pants size.  All well.  The thing is, yes ideally I would like to be smaller, but right now... Well... Right now I'd do anything to feel like and look like a blimp.  A large overfilled balloon.  You know, to look pregnant.  And I crave nothing more than to hold my Ashley in my arms.

I'm sad this weekend because I can't feel Ashley in my belly or see her sleeping in my arms.  It's a loneliness that no amount of company can fill.  I long for my child.  And maybe it hurts even more because my body is being silly.  TMI time, but monthly cycles bite.  For some reason my body has decided that it was time to cycle again after only two weeks.  A little painful since it's truly a horrible reminder that I'm not pregnant.  And there is a big part of me that had wished I would become pregnant rather soon.

I miss Ashley, but I still want more children.  And I'm craving it.  I'm craving holding a healthy living baby in my arms.  I'm craving the joys of pregnancy like morning sickness, excess gas, food aversions, cravings, uncontrollable bodily functions, back pain, swelling... you get the idea.  Because as miserable as all the sounds its joyful.  Because it means my body is doing what it is supposed to be doing to create a new person.  I want a baby to drive me nuts by playing with my bellybutton and kicking me in the middle of the night.  Not only that, but for me particularly, I think I would find it healing.  And I guess, I haven't really just been feeling down this weekend but since I've started this stupid period.  Because I'd really hoped to be experiencing pregnancy again.  I guess it's something I will struggle with until it is time to have another baby.

But yes, while I would give everything to have Ashley with us I know I can't.  It is still painful.

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